How Do You Explain Your Family?

My husband and I are a modern day Brady family- with a twist. I'm African- American and he's white. When we married we both had a son from a previous relationship. However,we've since had a son together. So one day as we were all eating around the table my biological son Sean, asked me was Tyson, my biological son from my present relationship, his brother, half brother, or nothing. And also, what was Tyson to my step-son Stephan (Stephan and Tyson have the same father). I replied the best I knew how: "when I was growing up, if you had the same mother you were considered bothers but if you had the same father you were considered half-brothers. In either case you are still blood related." "That's what I thought too", he said. I asked him what prompted this question and he told me a story that really upset me.

When the three of them were visiting their grandmother (his Step-grandmother) she gave a different answer to her receptionist. As the boys were in the waiting room, the receptionist asked "oh, are they brothers?" Granny answered, "no these two are". The two women then went on to marvel at the two brothers typical bi-racial hair and natural tan.  Sean felt crushed, ignored, and angry.  Especially, as he put it, "me and Tyson have the same mother, we were both inside your stomach which Stephan never was, how could I not be his brother?" Unfortunately and understandably, he didn't speak up for himself. He is only 10 and had so many emotions arise he didn't know how to respond. I, who often play devils advocate for sake of trying to see things from others perspective, told him that sometime it's easier for blended families to answer in that way- although not when the children are around. And that she (granny) is new at having step.... anything. So for instance when I see people from high school or college and they asked me how my boys are, I know they mean the boys they know about. I then get around to mentioning my step-son but sometime it's easier to just focus on which children they know about. Also, I've been in that situation more times then Granny, so I know to acknowledge Stephan when all of you are around me. Granny's receptionist knows your Step-dad so she was probably asking "are those Toms kids" and Granny was probably answering her from that perspective. 

That's what makes things so complicated. Sean is bright enough to pick up incidences like that but too young to recognize when it may be something different. Whichever is true, how he felt as opposed to what she meant, is an issue I've noticed that's specific to some blended families. I've actually had other people tell me that as well. I think the more we talk and share ways to explain such questions, the more comfortable and prepared we'll be when asked.  

It took me a long time to get over that incident. More than a thousand times I found myself imagining how I would've responded. It mostly included me kindly, but purposely, mentioning that they were in fact brothers and "these in particular are both mine." It wasn't until my 1001st thought did I consider how my step-son would have felt when I made a point to...make my point. That didn't make me stop imagining anything though. I just changed my words around to explain whose baby was whose in our blended family. 

The best thing I did to stop my imaging was call Granny. I told her exactly what Sean told me, careful not to add my input. She choose the route I said: "I didn't mean it in that manner at all. My receptionist knows Tom and I'd told her his kids were coming etc etc".... Some of it I believe, and some of it I know- well think, is bologna #don'tsaynothingthough.  

He said he's not going to visit anymore unless I'm there. My first instinct, out of protection, was to tell him that's fine. After a few thoughts though, I figured that was the beginning of "his family v. my family". The kind that becomes normal, but actually shouldn't be. And honestly, I know I don't want that for our family. 

My son graudates & so does his- Brenda's Tale

I have an older son from a previous marriage and my Lover has a younger son from a previous relationship as well. Fortunately, both our children are graduating. Unfortunately, it's on the same day. We thought it would be a no brainier that I would go to my sons graduation and he'd makes his- but other people didn't feel the same. 


Two close family friends were over to visit last week. One made a comment about what will be hard for her when she finally gets the courage to leave her presently unfulfilled relationship. She said "the complexities of having to balance support for both children must be tiring". She's discouraged from wanting to be in a blended family and prefers the "traditional way". I acknowledged that although that may be true in some cases, balancing support to more than one child is present in all families with multiple children. Furthermore, some of that "tradition" she's chasing was because the mother refused to have the stigma of being divorced or flat out couldn't get one. "Maybe this isn't the best example" she said, "but what happens when I wanna just take my child out to the park but can't because their half-sister would feel left out. Sooner than later, example after example of these very similar situations can get frustrating". 


That was true. I have done that. I've wanted to do something special for my son only. I felt guilty but I also felt mad. Why should I not be able to do that? But how would I feel if my Lover did that to my son? Would I understand or would I make up an excuse as to why this time doesn't count- and say that my son is being left out. I truthfully told them that I too have struggled with that, and that there is no magic bullet to fix it. However, nothing is black and white. For instance, it would be unfair for me to take all the kids out and only get "my" son something from the dessert menu. However, if I wanna take him on a hike with me and leave the other kids that's cool too. Especially since all families need one on one time with each of their kids. Blended or not. That's what I'm starting to notice. Although blended families have unique issues, a lot of them are not blended family issues- their just family issues. The tricky part is knowing the difference between the two. 

Split-ups are better than Break-ups

Our children visit their out-of-home parent on holidays and during the summer. A lot of people look down on this as a family divided, especially during the holidays. But holidays are as special and needed as the rest of the year. If your child gets to live with you most of the year, I think it's a happy compromise to give those days to the parent who has to miss out most of the year. Of course if there's an extra special something going on one holiday, that "rule" could and maybe should be bent a little. But for the most part, any time spent with a parent is precious growing up. So if your break-up has given you lemons,  thus having to to split up your time, then make lemonade. Give your child, and yourselves, the best of both worlds by allowing them to have you both continue to be a loving presences in their lives. 

"Helping is the Sunny Side of Control"- Sally's Tale

Less than a week after the baby was born, grandma came for a visit. Her intention was to help out the new mommy and see all the grandkids in one visit. However, it was really a visit for the grandkids. From the time she landed- literally that day, until the time she left, she and the grandkids were out on the town with daddy as their personal chauffeur. No helping around the house, no cooking food for the upcoming weeks, no anything but helping mommy relax by "getting the kids outta the way"- grandma. 


All weekend, starting from about 10am they would leave mommy and go get breakfast. While they were out, the kids got to choose where their next adventure would be. They went to Chuck-E Cheeses, the movies, out to lunch, skating, the park and lastly out to eat. They would make it back around 9:30pm with food from the restaurant they ate from. Mommy was suppose to be at the house relaxing with new baby sister and not having to "deal with the older two kids." That sounds great but in reality, Mommy, who couldn't really stand up straight for long, was alone with a freezer full of frozen food (no microwave in the home) and no help with little things like- help out the tub. Mommy maybe got a phone call in the late-afternoon to see how she was, but it was more out of standards. She told daddy she needed help at home but he'd say grandmom kinda "wants the kids to just play a little longer" and then "we're gonna shoot home with some food for you." Food. Food that was appreciated but was cold. Cold like they ordered her food when they ordered theirs. 


This went on the entire weekend. And so did feelings of anger and guilt. Mommy felt angry for be being left out and left alone. But then after days and hours alone, mommy felt guilty because someone had taken the kids for the whole day and brought her dinner at night. Somehow though, anger lasted longer. Mainly because Grandma always does exactly what she wants to do. In a non-confrontational but non-compromising way. For instance whatever her biological grandson (mommy stepson) says he wants to do- gets done. To the exclusion of everyone. Although both kids were gone, only one got a say in where to go- Angry. But shouldn't mommy be grateful that her son was allowed to go along- guilty.  Also, why did dad have to go. Mommy suggested he stay with her on Saturday to help her with the house and baby, but he insisted that Grandma would need him to drive them around. Grandma, who has visited this small city off and on for more the 15yrs and lives in a much bigger city in which she gets around just fine- Angry. But wasn't it better for him to drive since he really knows where everything is- guilty. 


Mommy was so ready to get off that emotional roller coaster. She didn't though. She rode the angry roller coaster well past the weekend. With no family of her own in the town, she didn't have anyone to come and help her get off. Well, she did have one friend that came over. She came on that Monday morning, cleaned off the table- that had a pile of rotting tomatoes on it, brought her some good, hot, home-cooked food, and and an objective ear. That was the best part of the weekend. 

In the beginning

Haven't we all lived in a blended family? I just heard another story about Aunt such-n-such not really being a blood relative. Today's modern blended family is like all things under the sun: not new. The only difference is that it's not a family secret. 


To a certain degree, I could understand why our elders preferred it that way, however, with a modern family like mine it's impossible to cover up. That's not as bad as it may seem either. My first son deserves the right to stay in contact with his biological father while his father deserves to be in his son's life as well. And I deserves some child support. Back in the day when families kept subjects like this a secret, the mother or father gave their child up for adoption to the new family in which that child was joining. How hard that must have been. For me, that would been impossible. My 1st is full blooded African-Am (you get my drift) but I'm now in a bi-racial relationship. His step-father is non mistakenly white and his brothers look very different from him. So, when we're out, it's obvious that we're a blended family. And boy are we not the only blended family out there. This helps my oldest, who's very self-conscious, cope with his situation a bit. He has several friends whose parents are either not together anymore or live in a blended family like he does. He doesn't however have too many white friends with black step-dads though. For him, that took some time to get used to. Actually, it took a lot of time. He was only in the second grade when we united so a lot of confusion was going on his little mind. My step-son however didn't feel the least bit confused. Maybe because his mother is Jamaican so he was used to having a white dad- who really was his dad. Me becoming his step-mother didn't faze him nearly as much as it did for step-brother. Furthermore, my step son is very easy going and lovable. As long as he's being treated with love and fed- he's good. They're only a year apart so that helped a lot too. They play well together. They are very different though. That made our union a bit challenging in the beginning. Since neither of us had ever been in a blended family before nor was our children used to having a sibling fights, misunderstands, non-understandings, confusion, and anything else you can think of started to spill out into our lives. Hubby was used to a son who was true to his age, easy going, lovable, and creative (he could play with a train and one pencil for hours). His new step-son is none of those. He's very mature (sometime too mature), not affectionate, and wants a ball in his hand not an imaginary one. 


Five years and two babies later, we are all pretty much settled in. It's odd but our first son together sorta brought the fam together in a way I can't really put in words from an emotional view. But in other ways it pretty cool. He's the blood brother of both his two older brothers. Linking us together and thus making us a stronger unit. He also has both attributes of his older brothers- which we all are amused to see: he's mature, very lovable, creative, and loves a ball.