My husband and I are a modern day Brady family- with a twist. I'm African- American and he's white. When we married we both had a son from a previous relationship. However,we've since had a son together. So one day as we were all eating around the table my biological son Sean, asked me was Tyson, my biological son from my present relationship, his brother, half brother, or nothing. And also, what was Tyson to my step-son Stephan (Stephan and Tyson have the same father). I replied the best I knew how: "when I was growing up, if you had the same mother you were considered bothers but if you had the same father you were considered half-brothers. In either case you are still blood related." "That's what I thought too", he said. I asked him what prompted this question and he told me a story that really upset me.
When the three of them were visiting their grandmother (his Step-grandmother) she gave a different answer to her receptionist. As the boys were in the waiting room, the receptionist asked "oh, are they brothers?" Granny answered, "no these two are". The two women then went on to marvel at the two brothers typical bi-racial hair and natural tan. Sean felt crushed, ignored, and angry. Especially, as he put it, "me and Tyson have the same mother, we were both inside your stomach which Stephan never was, how could I not be his brother?" Unfortunately and understandably, he didn't speak up for himself. He is only 10 and had so many emotions arise he didn't know how to respond. I, who often play devils advocate for sake of trying to see things from others perspective, told him that sometime it's easier for blended families to answer in that way- although not when the children are around. And that she (granny) is new at having step.... anything. So for instance when I see people from high school or college and they asked me how my boys are, I know they mean the boys they know about. I then get around to mentioning my step-son but sometime it's easier to just focus on which children they know about. Also, I've been in that situation more times then Granny, so I know to acknowledge Stephan when all of you are around me. Granny's receptionist knows your Step-dad so she was probably asking "are those Toms kids" and Granny was probably answering her from that perspective.
That's what makes things so complicated. Sean is bright enough to pick up incidences like that but too young to recognize when it may be something different. Whichever is true, how he felt as opposed to what she meant, is an issue I've noticed that's specific to some blended families. I've actually had other people tell me that as well. I think the more we talk and share ways to explain such questions, the more comfortable and prepared we'll be when asked.
It took me a long time to get over that incident. More than a thousand times I found myself imagining how I would've responded. It mostly included me kindly, but purposely, mentioning that they were in fact brothers and "these in particular are both mine." It wasn't until my 1001st thought did I consider how my step-son would have felt when I made a point to...make my point. That didn't make me stop imagining anything though. I just changed my words around to explain whose baby was whose in our blended family.
The best thing I did to stop my imaging was call Granny. I told her exactly what Sean told me, careful not to add my input. She choose the route I said: "I didn't mean it in that manner at all. My receptionist knows Tom and I'd told her his kids were coming etc etc".... Some of it I believe, and some of it I know- well think, is bologna #don'tsaynothingthough.
He said he's not going to visit anymore unless I'm there. My first instinct, out of protection, was to tell him that's fine. After a few thoughts though, I figured that was the beginning of "his family v. my family". The kind that becomes normal, but actually shouldn't be. And honestly, I know I don't want that for our family.
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